Wal-Mart's Haute Couture
Who's dumb idea was Metro7?
by Meredith Pinault
Wal-Mart announced disappointing November 2006 results, with sales falling for the first time in a decade. With 6,000 stores and nowhere else to go, Wal-Mart is forced to seek innovative ways to expand its girth, including new market offerings like generic prescription drugs and stylish, high-end products. (They tried exhausting a last bit of exploitation from their workforce of 1.3 million, but selling their employee's kidneys had little market appeal.)
But Wal-Mart shoppers balked at swallowing anything beyond cheap staple items like laundry detergent and socks. Metro7, the depressingly aspirational line of women's clothing, is a certified flop. A quick glance at the Metro7 collection on Wal-mart's website reveals fashion horrors like a $12.94 Romantic Poet Blouse in Black, Bordeaux, Eggshell, or Storm - "an easy way to inject some Edwardian style into your wardrobe"; a $12 Faux Fur Bag with "silky luster... for a wildly sumptuous look"; or $19.94 Women's Plus Velveteen Jeans - "Rhinestones sparkle in place of rivets and even take center stage on the waistband's button." (By the way, all of Wal-Mart's apparel is proudly made in "USA and/or Imported.")
Metro7! Metro7! Wal-Mart's coiffured, degreed marketing team dreamed up this name for their chic new line of clothes when trying to mindmeld with the typical Wal-Mart lady shopper...
Wal-Mart Marketing Exec 1: Okay, I'm a short, fat housewife living in Sprawlfuck, America. What entices me to splurge on mass-produced clothes that vaguely resemble what the Oprah's audience and other upscale TV folk wears?
Wal-Mart Marketing Exec 2: It needs to signal, 'This ain't the sensible, flesh-hiding cotton sack that you wear to the Chinese food buffet.'
Wal-Mart Marketing Exec 3: Flashy Fox... Style Kitty... Trendy You... Hottie Rayon...
Exec 1: I've got my GED and I'm pulling minimum wage at KFC. I'm gearing up for an evening of dive-bar beer and chicken wings with the girls, and I want to cheat on my boyfriend just to cause drama in my monotonous life. What convinces me to lay out a day's salary for a pair of ankle boots?
Exec 2: It needs a name that says, 'You will look as trendy and cute as those rich bitches who shop at the mall.'
Exec 3: Exotica Now... Limit 00... Mod Head... Chichi Urban...
Exec 1: Urban. Hm, it's on the right track, but implies 'clothes for black people.'
Exec 2: These clothes need to say, 'You will look like an urban white person.'
Exec 3: [Flipping through thesaurus] Burghal, central, city, megalopolitian, metropolitan, oppidan...
Exec 1: Metro! Like that newspaper everyone reads! [Goes to white board, scrawls 'Metro' and stares at it. Then, in a burst of inspiration, adds '15'.] Metro 15!"
Exec 2: No, less than 15. A single digit says 'These clothes will be flattering and sleek, even on you."
Exec 3: Metro 1, Metro 2, Metro 3...
Exec 1: Whatever. We'll run it by a focus group, see which number makes them squeal like pigs. No space though - the smaller the name, the more we'll save on labeling materials. [Yawns] I'm going to get a salad at Cosi. You want anything?
Exec 2: No, I'm doing lunchtime Pilates.
Exec 3: Metro4, Metro5, Metro6...
--November, 2006